Jennifer Garner: Interview on Comedy Central's
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Wednesday, November 28, 2001

Transcribed by Bethany, Webmistress of

JON: My guest tonight, the star of ABC's Alias.

(An Alias clip is shown from the episode "Reckoning." Sydney is in the photo gallery owner's office. Sydney has her watch strapped onto the vault's door. As she moves the dial, the watch will beep twice whenever she comes to the right digit. It beeps; she turns the dial for the other number. It beeps. She opens the vault and finds the code machine, puts it in her green purse. She closes the vault door and takes her watch, puts it back on. She finds the plastic bug that was hidden in her bra and sticks it under the counter in the office. End of Alias clip. The audience laughs at Jon, who looks absolutely clueless.)

JON: I don't know what the hell just happened.

(The audience laughs.)

JON: Please welcome Jennifer Garner! Come on!

(Jon stands up to greet Jennifer. The audience cheers. The band starts playing.)

JON: Hello.


(Jon and Jennifer walk to their respective chairs and sit down. The band stops playing.)

JON: This is, uh - Thanks for comin'!

JENNIFER: Thanks for havin' me!

JON: Um, our pleasure. The - This show's, uh, a smash, uh, sensation, uh -

JENNIFER: Yeah, smash, it's a big old smash.

JON: It's a big old smash.

JENNIFER: Mmm-hmm.

JON: Uh - uh - now explain to me. I'm, uh, uh, uh, what do they call it -


JON: Retarded. Yeah, stupid.

(The audience laughs.)

JON: Uh -

JENNIFER: Were you confused by that?

JON: I was confused by that. I didn't know -

JENNIFER: I could tell. You had a blank kind of -

JON: Because at first I was, like, oh she's at her locker, and then, uh, you open the thing, and, like, there's a bomb in it, and then you have a purse, and then you had to hide the - hide a key. And I was, like -

JENNIFER: The cockroach, yeah.

JON: Okay, where was the cockroach?

JENNIFER: That's that thing I pulled out of my bra. It was a - the cockroach.

JON: Sure, look, I lived in New York a long time. I see that.

(Jennifer laughs.)

JON: Cockroaches, uh, sometimes I have mice in the underwear. You never know.

JENNIFER: Sure, you never - you gotta go with it, you gotta go with it.

JON: What - what is the situation? You were a spy?

JENNIFER: Yes. I'm - I'm not just a spy.

JON: I would never accuse you of being just a spy.

JENNIFER: Thank you.

(The audience laughs.)

JENNIFER: I was a spy for - I - I thought that I was a spy for the CIA, right? And I thought I was a good guy.

JON: Sure.

JENNIFER: But then I found out that they were bad.


JENNIFER: No. It wasn't the CIA.

JON: Can I tell you somethin', though? Honestly? You can relax cause it's not real.

(Jennifer laughs along with the audience.)

JON: It's not. You don't work for any of them. It's the - what is it, ABC?

JENNIFER: Sydney - Sydney Bristow.

JON: Oh, you know what? It's Disney. I'm not sure if they are the good guys.

(The audience laughs.)

JENNIFER: Caution.

JON: They may be the other side.

JENNIFER: Caution.

JON: I'm kiddin' around.

JENNIFER: I work for the mouse.

JON: Uh, uh, uh, so, so you thought that you were workin' for the CIA but it's not the CIA -


JON: What is it, like, Chaos? Uh -

(The audience laughs.)

JENNIFER: It's - It's -

JON: You know, Chaos and Matt, uh -

JENNIFER: Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Yeah, mmm-hmm.

JON: Okay. Alright.

JENNIFER: It ended up that - that I'm working for, like, this - this rogue spy group that is a mercenary group. They're bad, they're enemies of the United States.

(Jon is completely lost. He drops his ink pen. The audience laughs.)

JENNIFER: But they're acting like they're the CIA so that people work for - Anyway, I find out that they're bad because they kill my fianci.

JON: That would be a clue, I think, for that.

(The audience laughs.)

JON: I would think if they were good, they might've gotten you guys a wedding gift.

(Jennifer laughs.)

JENNIFER: Really luminating this whole subject.

JON: Is this the first episode?

JENNIFER: Dude - So much happened in the first episode -

JON: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I am nobody's dude!

(Jon shakes his finger at Jennifer. The audience laughs.)

JON: Dude? Uh, what would be the - I don't even know how to say that to a lady - dudette. Uh, uh, just - just dude, right?


JON: I like that.

JENNIFER: Just dude me back. It's fine.

JON: Yeah. Alright, dude.

(The audience laughs.)

JENNIFER: So, anyway, the only - the only way to -

JON: Uh-huh.

JENNIFER: Get out of the situation and not work for the bad guys is to bring them down. So I become a double-agent for the CIA. And then, to kind of top it all off, my friends don't know that I'm a spy, much less a double-agent.

JON: This is so - this is, like, do you remember that show, Three's Company?

JENNIFER: It's so Three's Company.

JON: I know, and they'd be like, "I'm down at the Reagle Beagle." "No, I'm not," you know what I mean?

JENNIFER: Yeah. Yeah. It's very very similar.

JON: This is very, very, uh, is - and - is all that explained all the time (snaps his fingers) or this is like, uh, you just keep goin' and you're puttin' the SD-6 - SD-6.


JON: That's the guys you work for.

JENNIFER: Those are the bad guys.

JON: They're the bad guys.


JON: Can I tell you somethin' that's so nice, uh, to see from you? Youthful energy. I'm uh, uh, wh - wh - what - dried up. Old. Old.

(The audience laughs.)

JON: I have, uh, uh, decrepit, uh, like, uh - You ever see, uh, uh, Tales From The Crypt?


JON: Okay, that, when I take the make-up off I'm a lotta, you know, [imitates the skeleton guy].

JENNIFER: Yeah, yeah.

JON: Uh, your energy, I feed off it, and, in fact, it makes me stronger.

(The audience laughs.)

JENNIFER: You seem a little younger than when I first came out.

JON: I do.


JON: I - I feel younger, like one of them vampire movies -


JON: Where your life force, uh, I have taken it on now -

JENNIFER: Interesting.

JON: My guess is, by the time this interview is over, I will be able to touch my toes again.

(Everyone laughs.)

JENNIFER: I wish that for you.

JON: Ah, well, I appreciate that.

JENNIFER: Mmm-hmm.

JON: And, by the way, congratulations on the - the wedding. How long you been, uh, married now?

JENNIFER: Oh, a year and two weeks. Give or take.

JON: A year and two weeks.


JON: Congratulations.

JENNIFER: Thank you very much.

JON: And, uh, so you guys, uh, I guess met at parochial school? What? What are you - you're - you're young!

JENNIFER: No! I'm not! I'm 29! I'm not -

(The audience laughs.)

JENNIFER (to the audience): What?! Is that so old?!

JON: Can I tell you somethin'? They reacted that you went, "I'm a cyborg."

JENNIFER: I know! I know! What is that?

JON: You said, "I'm 29," and they gasped!

JENNIFER: I'm ... sorry!

JON: You know what that is? That - that, uh, that shocked me, too, because, uh, I'm not much older than you but clearly have lived much harder.

(Everyone laughs.)

JON: So I - I gotta find me some sort of cream rinse.

JENNIFER: I lived in a crypt for the first 15 years.

JON: Somethin', man. Jackson's oxygen tent, I think, but you, uh, you have not decayed, uh, as I have. Did you hear, you said 29 and they went [gasps]!


JON: Must get air. Uh, Alias airs Sundays at, uh, nine o'clock on, uh, ABC every week.

JENNIFER: Sunday nights. Nine o'clock. ABC. Please give it a watch.

(Jon and Jennifer shake hands.)

JON: Very nice to meet you. Thanks for comin' by.

JENNIFER: Thank you.

JON (to the audience): Jennifer Garner everybody!

(The audience cheers. The band starts playing again.)